In The Lord's Hands

Thank you to Audrey for sharing a little part of her story with us.

***

“in early 2003, i was pregnant with my third child. the whole pregnancy was something of a spiritual experience. i had known all along that something was different. i could feel myself being prepared, and ,thoughts that seemed crazy at the time, raced through my mind about the potentials of what i could be facing. I, like most pregnant mothers, had a routine 20 week ultrasound scheduled, but this time i wasn’t anxious to race off to find out "what i was having"- as if thats the reason behind that test. So, i canceled my apt without even knowing why for sure. i rescheduled it for about a week later, with no real apparent explanation.
the day finally arrived and i felt as though i was headed to a funeral. the day itself was dark and gloomy and it paralleled my feelings. i was desperately concerned and even at that point, feared the baby (who was actually still moving inside me) was dead.
On the way into the hospital, i saw a few women outside- clearly pregnant- heading inside. one had just finished smoking, and i felt a surge of severe anger that her baby was healthy and mine was not. i felt very judgemental and angry. as i looked around the waiting room, that anger continued to grow as i began to dwell on how unfair this was. looking backwards with hindsight i of course see that my hand was far more blessed then theirs and guilt now surges my veins.
It didnt take long for the emotions on the technicians face to translate into concern. i quickly noticed the awkwardness of my babies feet and promptly started asking questions. i overwhelmed and scared her right out of the room. A tall lanky doc appeared and started reviewing her pics and taking his own, i over inundated him with questions. until he finally turned off the machine and quietly said, i think your baby has spina bifida and some other deformities. the rest was a blur. i started crying and, of course, so did nate. But i cried with relief that the unknown had become known and, that i now could focus on the task at hand, and move on.

he gave us a few min and then we met him down the hall in his office to talk about treatment plans. in this man's office, i learned how involved the Lord had been; how is hand had so intricately placed people and places in the right times and moments. the week prior when my apt was supposed to occur, this doc had been at a fetal surgery conference for the opening of a study called MOMS, for spina bifida fetal treatment. had i gone when i was supposed to, this particular doc would have been away and i would have met with a colleague instead. He had only been back one day, and the study itself would open for enrollment the following day. here was a treatment option placed intricately and timely in our laps.

as difficult as it was to take in the prognosis of what we were facing and what it meant, as bleak as it was and as emotionally devastated as we were, neither my husband or i could deny the presence and participation of the Lord. That office that day was a holy place for us."